Becoming Human

He woke up clenching his chest. His heart was racing and he did not know what to do. Something new and unexplainable had been haunting him for the past few weeks. It felt like a weight sitting inside him, making it hard to breathe.

What will this be? he thought.

After contemplating for a few moments, he got up and decided to start with his day. Thinking too much was pointless. No one in this society had the time to question anything.

It was a bright, sunny day, perfect for work. Sunlight filled his small room as he began ironing his uniform. The cloth was thick and rough, but it made him feel safe, like nothing could go wrong when he wore it.

He worked in the military office as a security guard. He had gotten this job because of his physical appearance and grand stature. People were scared of him, and that helped in maintaining order. He did not know what was going on inside the military base. He was only guarding something unknown.

At least I don’t get to be the one who suffers, he thought.

According to society, his job was respectable. People stepped aside when he walked past. The shopkeepers spoke politely. He always received his full ration, unlike the people who worked in lower ranks. Hunger was not something he had to worry about.

He lived alone. But the silence never bothered him. The silence was peaceful. It did not remind him of anything.

The only thing that bothered him was that terrible feeling in his chest. He did not know what it was, but he decided not to let it affect him and left for work.

Everything felt normal.

The familiar streets, the old buildings, the people he greeted with a small nod, all of it made him feel calm, at least for a few hours. It felt like the world was still the same.

He started his shift with a cup of coffee. Standing under the hot sun and guarding the base was always tiring, but he was used to it. He stood straight, eyes forward, doing what he was told. That was when he was summoned to make ‘order’ of a poor man who had stolen a slice of bread out of hunger. He followed the officer into a small room.

The man looked weak and tired. His hands were tied, and his eyes were filled with fear. He kept saying he was hungry, that he had children, that he would never steal again.

He did not reply.

He took off his belt, ready to punish him like he had done many times before. But as he raised his hand for the first blow, his head started spinning.

His body felt light, almost unreal. His arm froze in the air.

Suddenly, he heard screams. Loud, painful screams that were not coming from the room. He saw flashes of blood, bodies falling, people crying. His chest burned, and his breath became uneven. His hand began shaking. And then he felt it.

Guilt.

It crashed into him all at once, heavy and unbearable. His throat tightened, and tears rolled down his face before he could stop them. He stared at the man in front of him, not as a criminal, but as a human being.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

He dropped the belt.He rushed out of the room, his legs feeling weak. Outside, he leaned against the wall, gasping for breath, his hands trembling.

What is happening to me?

That was when he heard officers talking nearby. They were speaking about government experiments, about how guilt had been erased from people’s minds to stop rebellions and make citizens more violent and obedient. That was when he understood. This feeling was guilt. Something that had been taken away from him.

And now it has come back.

He sank to the floor and started crying loudly. Not quiet tears, but broken sobs that shook his whole body. The strong man everyone feared was gone. He felt small and helpless.

“I hurt them,” he whispered. “I didn’t even feel it.”

The memories were not clear, but the feeling was enough. Enough to know he had followed orders. Enough to know people had suffered because of him. He could not live like this anymore. He stood up and walked into the office.

“Please arrest me,” he said. “Lock me up. I don’t want to live with this feeling.”

The officials were shocked. They told him it was a mistake and that it could be fixed. They said he could go through the medical procedure again and everything would be normal. He fell to his knees.

“Please,” he said, crying. “Let me suffer for what I’ve done. Don’t take this away from me.”

For the first time in his life, he felt human.

And he didn’t want to feel like anything else but human.

By Anlin Treesa Ajeesh

Anlin is an English student at Christ University, Bangalore, with a keen interest in literature and writing. She can be contacted at anlintreesaajeesh@gmail.com