My Own Comedy of Errors

Hullo! I am Vikash! I could not allow my wife Aditi to pen this down. For her version is more embarrassing than mine!

I was happily sailing through life, devoting my senses to food and work when love slowly crept in, took over the oars of my boat and we sailed on a tumultuous journey!! Both, Aditi and I, were batchmates at Delhi University and had close common friends. One of them was Sushmita.  Hence we knew about each other but had never met.

Fate obviously had other plans.

The First Meeting and the First (Involuntary) Goof Up

Sushmita decided to get married and I was asked at gunpoint to attend the wedding in Kolkata.

Aditi was then, working in Kolkata. She was supposed to reach the destination, a small suburban town called Sodepur, by the last local train at 11:20 pm. Sushmita’s brother and I were assigned to pick her up. She got down from the train into the pitch-dark station, looked for us, kept calling our phone and then started walking towards the exit. That’s when she bumped into two men who were busy wolfing down egg rolls. She scolded Shujit as she did not know me. But her first impression of me was not a favourable one.

With so many common friends from the same University, we became friends very soon. One day when friends were searching for me, she coolly suggested, ‘Check the lunch hall too’. And lo! There I was standing in between three rows of lunch tables and ogling at the food.

The wedding was over. But I had goofed up the dates and found myself alone in Kolkata for the next four days. By then the bride had left for her new home. Aditi took pity on me and showed me around Kolkata. She later declared that one must never take pity on men who love food more than their friends.

During Sushmita’s reception party, we were the only friends who attended. Her in-laws even asked if we were a ‘couple’ but Aditi casually said no. We bid an amicable goodbye and exchanged phone numbers and email ids. But they were never used.

The Buildup

Many months later, one day we were simultaneously online on Yahoo messenger. We chatted for a while.

Meanwhile, Sushmita decided that since she has screwed up her happy bachelor days, she needed to increase her clan. She started pestering us. She would ask me, ‘Did you like Aditi’ or ask her, ‘do you like Vikash?’

Intrigued by her constant persuasion, I called up Aditi on her birthday. By then, she had moved back to Delhi. That call made way for SMS, which graduated to emails. From short emails to long emails. From weekly to daily emails. We discussed every imaginable topic under the sun. From books to travel, from world politics to Indian history, from our childhood to our current profession. The realization was simple. We were different but we appreciated each other! Unknowingly, through these lengthy exchanges, we had bared our hearts and were sliding into love!

Everything was well till one day Aditi’s family asked her to meet a boy. That’s when I realized I had to do something!

The Presumed Villains

Hailing from a Bihari family where a love marriage has never happened before, I was wary of the consequences. I called up my brother Bunty on a weekday during office hours.  

Bunty, with the unnerving precision that younger brothers are equipped with, wisecracked, ‘What’s the matter Bhaiyya? A call on a busy Monday morning?! Do you want to get married?’ My jaws dropped and I asked back, ‘How on earth do you know?”

The little devil was enjoying himself. He said ‘Oh I know much more. Isn’t it Aditi Didi that you like?’ I almost fell off the chair.

It seems when I visited his hostel, he noticed me checking Aditi’s pictures on Orkut.  Being more experienced in matters of the heart, my younger brother added it up.  

We chatted about the possible issues that might creep up the moment I declare at home. The wise guy advised, ‘What if everyone says yes at home and she says No? You will make a royal fool of yourself.’

I retorted back, ‘If she says yes and everyone at home says no, I will make a royal fool of myself.’

By then it was clear, Bunty was the Sarathi who will propel me forward. He was assigned to sort it out at home while I decided to concentrate on the ‘wooing’ part. My calculation was to give a couple of years to both Aditi and my family, let them play out their tantrums and reconcile with the idea and then get married in 2010.

Well, I was proved wrong!

My maternal grandparents have a great affinity towards Bengali culture. And they speak and read Bengali, and watch Bengali movies regularly. Their excitement at learning about a prospective Bengali Bahu was unexpected. Too eager to get this moving fast, Nanaji volunteered to speak to Aditi’s father directly. But neither Aditi nor her father was aware of the circus. A month passed. By then they had thought that the girl had refused. Another phase of rigorous counselling followed. ‘Beta, don’t get disheartened. The Lord must have someone really special for you. Please do not think about harming yourself, we are there for you!’ Phew!

I had to act fast. Soon God presented me with the perfect opportunity. It was during one of our regular conversations that a very disturbed Aditi shared how a prospective groom was behaving oddly with her even after being rejected. That was it! I started discussing the kind of man she would match with and the kind of son-in-law her parents would wish for. I then came up with a ‘brilliant’ story about a friend of mine who would be extremely compatible with her. She kept asking his name while I evaded it.  The game continued and she posed numerous casual queries, which helped her confirm her intuition. She guessed it right.  That ‘friend’ was no one but the ‘naïve’ me.

One fine morning she disclosed that her parents had shortlisted an alliance. If she found him compatible, she would go ahead as my ‘friend’ hadn’t taken any initiative. After a sleepless night, I informed her that my friend had agreed to speak to her. She handed an ultimatum. ‘I don’t have my entire life to decide. If your friend is serious, ask him to come to Delhi and meet me.’ She added. ‘If he can’t come he isn’t worth waiting for.’

That made me search for a flight ticket to Delhi.

Aditi had by then understood that this was the only way to get the nerdy man into action. She had a great time teasing me. ‘How many tickets have you got?’ And then she would slyly ask, ‘Aren’t you accompanying your friend? I will be comfortable if you are around since I don’t want to meet a stranger alone.’

The Official Goofup

One day the big fat hippo was out of the bag. My storytelling days were over! I blurted out, ‘Now that you already know, why should I come all the way to Delhi? Let’s meet at the wedding.’ Thankfully, she did not murder me.  

Soon I landed in Delhi to officially propose to her. But that was not the end.

I was merrily waiting to meet her when Sushmita called me. ‘Did you get flowers for her?’  No.

It had never occurred to me.

Ten minutes later she called again. This time it was about the colour of the roses. As usual, I asked the florist to put in every colour that was available in his shop. Sushmita’s instructions transformed them all into red roses.

With the official proposal done, our families soon met each other.

By the way, I am a vegetarian. She is a non-vegetarian. But we continued being so. Caste differences – that was put aside. After a year of smoothing out all issues and all the comedy of errors, we got married in late 2008, putting an end to my happy carefree life.

VIKASH PERFIOS