As Women’s Day is around the corner, the author desires to talk about how one of the most responsible and difficult forms of womanhood- being a mother is reduced to a guilt trip of sorts by society.
Motherhood and Judgement
“Your son stays with your mother? So, you are here in Pune and he’s with her in Mumbai?”
“He manages without you?”
“I wouldn’t ever abandon my kid, so what’s the big deal if you don’t complete your postgraduation?”
Well, these are just three phrases I have mentioned here. I was at the receiving end of a lot more judgments, every day, for an entire year. Why? Because my son was two years old when I enrolled for a Master’s degree. As I was working and studying at the same time, my son stayed with my mom in Mumbai for like ten months.
This phase of accusations wasn’t the first and by no means the last.
Societal Commentary On What I Thought Was Best For My Kid.
The allegations began when I resumed work after 6 months of maternity leave. The queries were similar. Wasn’t my child too young to be left without me around him all the time? What was the big urgency to work after all?
Then came a time when as an eighth grader, my kid found mathematics too difficult. A little research and I realized we could drop Maths out of his curriculum. And we ended up doing just that, but the backlash this time was more vicious than ever before.
“How will he become an engineer without Maths?”
“He’s a boy, you’ll let him opt for Humanities?”
“What kind of a mother are you?”
My son is all grown up and in college now, but the accusations haven’t ceased yet. Because the lunch I pack for him is cooked by my Maharashtrian Mausi and not me.
So how could a mother deny her own kid of Maa ke Haath Ka Khana?
Forever Judged as a Woman, Most as a Mother
In case you are wondering why I’m going on and on with my rant, it’s just to enlighten all you new mothers out there, that, come what may. If you are a woman, especially a mother, be prepared for a lifelong guilt trip.
Because nothing you do is ever right, and there’s no dearth of free advice in this world.
Now tell me, back in the day, when I was under tremendous academic and job pressure, when I realized I couldn’t devote enough time and attention to my son, I dropped him at my mom’s for a few months. I knew he was safe and being well taken care of. I could focus on work more, I completed my coursework sooner, my career got the boost it needed, and this did help my son in the future. Then why was I termed wrong?
Being a professor of Electronics Engineering myself, I have seen many students struggle with Mathematics, science, and other technical aspects. From a young age, my son displayed a strong inclination to languages and an equal abhorrence of Maths. As he approached his 10th boards, mathematics was getting insufferable. So I stood by his decision to drop it for the future, and choose computers instead. He chose humanities post 10th, and he’s doing extremely well in academics. And more than anything, he’s happy.
Is There A Good Mother and Bad Mother?
Yes, I know many echo that I’m a bad mother.
As I have mentioned, I’m not particularly proud of my culinary skills, nor do I enjoy cooking. But if I desire to provide my family with home-cooked food and employ a good person to do that for me, why should I be made to feel guilty?
Long story short, my intention in penning this article is to point out some instances that you will be picked on by the so-called society, along your motherhood journey. And they aren’t going to be limited to just these, and perhaps far more malicious.
I believe, just as they say, every child is unique, so is every mother. You brought your child into this world, so you know what’s best for him. And for God’s sake, a helicopter mother isn’t perhaps the best mother. Rather, there is no trophy for the Best Mother.
In my opinion, it’s a wrong notion that a mother should always place her child’s happiness before hers, that sacrifices are made for good motherhood.
Happy Mother, Happy Child
I feel it’s simple, a happy mother raises a happy child. Choose your source of happiness, be content, and everything else will follow.
At the end of the day, you, a mother, are human too. And you are allowed to err. So rather than placing mothers on a pedestal of spotless divinity, treat them as normal women, like any other woman of flesh and blood. Who laughs, who cries, who works outside home, who is at home, who craves for some me-time, who strives to make her dreams come true…
Along the way, they’ll shame you, lecture you, find faults, pull you down. But listen to me, you are special, doing your best, and there’s no reason to feel guilty. Ever.
By Preethi Warrier
Preethi Warrier has completed her Masters in Electronics Engineering and is an Assistant Professor. She is one among the winners of the TOI Write India Campaign Season-1, for the famous author Anita Nair. She can be contacted at : warrier.preethi@yahoo.com
