I was going through a school project of my daughter when the words ‘helicopter parenting’ cropped up. She had come across the term while collecting evidence (newspaper clippings etc.) on her topic related to problems of youth. Curiosity aroused, I browsed around and came up with a few answers worth sharing.
The term ‘helicopter parenting’ refers to the over involvement of parents in their child’s life, both academic and personal. While the intention is good, the end result is usually negative and the child may grow to be under confident and unable to cope with the simple pressures, trials and tribulations of life.
Going back on my own experiences as a teacher of young adults since the last 25 years or so, I recalled many such instances of hovering parents myself. In fact, I remember the day my five year old son was to appear for the admission entrance test in a reputed school in Guwahati around two decades back. The scene outside the gates was to be seen to be believed. There was a mad scramble to get in and in the melee I could hear a mother asking her child to add 2+2. It was preparation for the interview ahead which was absurd for a 5-6 year old. A kid perched on his father’s shoulders was being ferried in and the father was asking him in the din “Mango spelling ko” (Tell me the spelling of mango). Even in that situation, coaching was going on!
But this is just a mild instance of parental smothering.
Many parents today are almost stalking their children in a bid to anticipate their ‘unmet’ needs. But the realization that such over involvement will actually stunt their growth seems to come too late. Some examples on the net show with horrifying clarity how the problem has seeped into the minds of parents all over the world. For instance, I recall reading the case of a 14 year old who was not allowed to go out alone even near his house without adult supervision. A child counsellor herself recalled her own sister who would rush whenever her kids accidentally fell while playing. It is only on seeing her that they start crying.
Another description ran thus “I knew a child who had extremely limited verbal skills (failed all sections of a speech and language test except volume) because his mother did not let him go outside (fear of kidnapping), watch television (fear of moral corruption) …. he had trouble with the most basic of physical skills (couldn’t run or catch or kick) due to never playing games with peers or solo” (Ellen Burchett).
There are some parents who carry this unwanted and definitely undesirable concern well into college life of their children. During college admissions, at the time of form checking, we frequently come across forms which have been filled up by the parents themselves. Can we not ask our children to fill it themselves? Yes, one might argue that all kids are not of the same IQ level and may make many unforeseen mistakes which will result in wastage of a form and hence money. But this in itself points out to a need to let the children form the habit of writing applications/ filling forms since their formative years.
During admission process, these things are identifiable. As Dr Donalee Markus says “The umbilical cord is severed for a reason. To do a college application for a child is no way helping foster growth or independence. However, to proofread a college essay or brainstorm topics is productive.” Even for hostellers, the same rule applies. Parents should not unnecessarily intervene in academic or residential issues (Tiemann). They should try to stay out of grading doubts or roommate spats. If they do so, they send the message that their adult children are incompetent to handle their own lives. The solution is to be supportive but give independence.
This whole act of ‘hovering’ can have deep repercussions on a child who will depend on parents even on to adulthood. Parents should realize that it restricts their freedom. They become unsure. They become helpless. They lack confidence. As someone rightly said, when parents over function, children under function. Many may again point out that they are simply being supportive. But this denial comes from many hovering parents who would never like to admit that they are actually harming their child.
One way of identifying between helicopter behavior and just being helpful is to ‘ask yourself if your child can do for herself what you are doing for her’ (Michael Zentman). The ones who would like to turn back the clock and just be helpful could follow the following tips.
- Have some contact with the teachers so that you can monitor the progress of your child during the formative years.
- Keep a track of what is happening in your child’s life but let it be without peering over his/her shoulders every time she opens the net or her mobile phone. Take note of behavioral changes such as unusual silence, sullenness or aggressiveness.
- Train them in life skills and inter-personal skills from young, which will have them in good stead later on in life. These may include making the bed, tidying up their own things/study table/room. Taking their own plates to the sink or rinsing out the glass after having water are other examples.
- Lines of communication must be left open. A little of ‘we-time’ works wonders for children when they can discuss their own little stories. We should try to be interested in the things which interest them, if only to get common topics for discussion.
At the end of the day, we should remember that the child has to get his/her bearings right. We can help as parents by setting up time planners or by sharing our own stories and strategies for being organized but we can never lead their lives nor let them dream our dreams.
By Bahnika Sen
Dr Ajanta K Bezbaruah worked in the Department of Economics, Handique Girls’ College and she has varied interest from women’s issues to creative work. She can be contacted at ajantakb@gmail.com
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