I see You. I see you no longer as a whole entity but as a fractured form. I see you through other people’s lives, having lost the one you perceived as yours. I see your hands and heart holding heaviness even when it hurts. I see you working even when you are wounded or wasted. And yes, I see you silent when you should be screaming and unrestrained.
I stare at your apparition and anticipate your resurrection.
Annihilation of any sort is, perhaps, addressed only through a persistent adaption of rituals that are ancient and empowered to ameliorate the effects of relentless losses.
Start slowly with ‘Hygge’ or the art of being cosy and comfortable. I know, you have tirelessly tried to provide exactly those to others, especially your children, but today, do it for yourself. Sit down to do that little thing that gives you joy and in case that has gone into oblivion, do an ordinary act with intention. Suddenly, the morning walk or the evening tea will give you much more than it ever did only because you decide to pause and be present. Steal for yourself a window of time and you will be surprised to see how it pulls you towards your penchant and preferences.
Next, incorporate ‘Friluftsliv’ or ‘free-air life’ into your daily living, not as an activity or a chore but as a commitment to spending your time outside for no reason other than being with yourself amidst nature. Interestingly, the concept is rooted in Allemannsretten or the law, which gives freedom to roam, without any agenda or accountability. Believe it or not, you will get rid of the stress that has stagnated around your shoulders for years.
To reclaim yourself, ‘Lagom’ or ‘just enough’ is the philosophy that you need to embrace wholeheartedly and in earnest. While it applies to balance in the broader spectrum of things, you can imbibe it to appreciate that you have done enough for everyone, including your kid(s). You have almost always outdone yourself in performing your roles and fulfilling your responsibilities. You do deserve breaks and overworking is deplorable. Ask yourself, “What’s good for me to feel good?” and gradually you will know how to spend your time on things that matter to you.
Closely associated with Lagom is the concept of ‘Fika’ or an intentional pause. It is a beverage break mostly in workplaces not only to relish your coffee and pair it up with a pastry but also to slow down and socialise with others. Don’t you think adding Fika pauses into your daily schedule will lessen the drudgery and drabness of the load that drains you? Regard it not as a reward after a motherly duty but as a part of the rhythm of your day to increase productivity and decrease the drama of expectations.
I am aware that being a mother and caregiving are intertwined activities that include children, the elderly and even adults on multiple occasions. To do that is hard and often embracing the awareness that you can do only that much is the secret to shun self-effacement. Do not drag yourself to darkness and numbness but keep replenishing yourself with mental repose and physical rest.
But to do the above efficiently, you must practise ‘Sisu’ or quiet resilience. You do not need to be loud or dramatic but silent and stubborn to be able to prioritise yourself without making a big deal out of it. An ability to keep choosing yourself over and above your children, specially, at those junctures that seem adverse and agonising. Let the fire within you burn as you become resolute in not letting your Self suffer and be subjugated. Stop glorifying your sacrifices and start recognising your resilience, and you will be stunned by the shift in the way your son or daughter perceives you henceforth.
We no longer need to hear the journey of a mother, who lost herself in a singular identity. Instead, we should share the stories of Mothers, who are strong, stable and successful women in their own rights and whose children love and respect them first, as individuals and then, as their mothers. Perhaps a specific adaptation of the ‘Janteloven’ instinct or dropping the ego (in your case of being a mother) can enable you to free yourself from a limiting role. You must not seek achievement merely through the fruition that motherhood manifests but let your life speak for itself. There is no badge of honour for being ‘The Best Mother’ because there are no parameters to evaluate it but there is lightness in relishing every bit of your life’s pie even if motherhood is the biggest triangle in it!
Please acknowledge that motherhood is a blessing but it is not the main story that your life is built around. And that does not mean you do less or be irresponsible as a mother but be clear that life exists outside it and you have the agency to experience that life. Design your life with intentionality, making the most use of simplicity, sustainability, softness and serenity. Create a space where you can converse with yourself and do your things with more presence. Cultivate a realisation that ‘enough’ is not a failure and more of motherhood can never be the most of it. Stop to savour the role and do not push yourself towards the ever-receding line of performance and productivity.
Hey! Did you hear me all this while…the voice within you?
Right now, you feel overwhelmed thinking you are doing a lot. But can you tell me you actually moved forward if each day feels the same and doing for others, your sole purpose? No one tells you that it is a loop, which looks like responsibility and keeps you running while taking you nowhere. Quietly you are being robbed of your time and your life is turning into a series of acts you had to do but never chose to do them. Remember, motherhood can never replace You and let Me be with you on this journey towards being the woman, who happens to be a beautiful mother too!
By Promita Banerjee Nag
An avid word enthusiast and content-churner, Promita is fuelled by novel writings, ideas and light-hearted banter. A teacher by passion, she treads the path of unequivocal learning with and through her students. Mother, music and ‘mishti’ mostly convince her. If you wish for a tête-à-tête, feel free to reach out to her at promita033@gmail.com.
