Have you noticed that right from the time we start making some sense of the world, we are expected to engage with a singular verb or action? LEARN. Whether consciously or otherwise, we have to keep on learning something or the other. And acknowledge it or not, decades pass as you continue learning things till someday you are compelled to consider what you have gathered as knowledge, awareness, skills or studied patterns.
Learn to Unlearn…
For me, it was only in the fourth decade of my life that I realised that adding the prefix ‘UN-’ to the word ‘learn’ was the more viable way forward. Honestly, in our 20s, we are too young and do as instructed, and in our 30s, we are extremely busy and bustling with activities concerning our career and family. It is only in our 40s (at least for most of us) that we feel a tad overwhelmed and yet slightly prudent to pause. It’s that phase when, for the first time, we want to ponder on all that we couldn’t do and on that which didn’t happen to us. A time of reckoning, I guess.
Convenience or Conviction?
I was no exception. Till the year I turned 40, I was contented with the cake, which was ordered, the flowers that greeted me, the gifts that I received and the day as it passed, planned or not. But that year, something changed. Perhaps it was a naïve random idea or, in retrospect, an epiphanic perception. Just a week before my 40th birthday, I decided to curate the day around my cares and cravings. I ordered everything that I wanted and chalked out the manner in which I intended to experience the day. My near and dear ones were informed of this rather ‘odd act’. While some were willing to play along with me, others had to wait for another day, for me to play along with them.
The day arrived. Instead of the bouquet of red roses, a host of bright yellow lilies bloomed on my writing desk. The presents lying near the vase were dearer and deliberate. A visit to the temple, a few hours of service, lunch with my friends (my lifelines!), a catch up with my nanny at her home (my second mother, who was keeping unwell) and a relaxing dinner with my parents and family and the day was gone.
This time, I relished the salted caramel cake (and not the chocolate one) more than I had ever done in all my adult years.
Our life is a mosaic of myriad experiences and this time, it felt so full and fulfilling. This led to my first unlearning. We mostly live ‘convenience experiences,’ which means experiences as they happen to us. But we can have ‘conviction experiences’ too by designing our desired experiences. It may not be good each time but then it has the possibility of being great. That night, I gleaned the fact that convenience and conviction do not share the same zip code!
Unlearning is Uncomfortable…
It is because you understand that most of the things that you normalise and accept were never okay. And the most unnerving part is that there is no manual for unlearning. It’s like you wake up on a day and decide to need a more ‘YOU’ life, to experience more authentically, even if it apparently looks awry. If I may put it in another way, it’s a resolve to be the protagonist of your story. That calls for a shift in mindset, which is never overnight but in continuum. For me, it was like asking myself why I was playing an ancillary role in my book of life and yes, I’m still figuring out the answers.
Contrary to the thought that this could be a constricted and parochial perspective, this shift in mindset is innately inclusive and offers a wholesome way to embrace life.
Acceptance is a Virtue.
To be ordinary and agreeable, consenting and quiet is what we are expected to be. There is nothing wrong in that. It becomes dubious when veiled in it comes the expectation of not asking for and, furthermore, not being “too much.” It means to accept everything in halves or fractions, which includes half unaspiring versions of yourself. This kind of narrative extols patience, perseverance and priority over self and sustainability.
I am unlearning this long-standing interpretation of acceptance. Today, I can say a ‘No’ without a 3-page explanation and I am outgrowing people and places that do not align with my growth. Almost every time, I also choose to be the focal point of my deliberations and decisions, irrespective of their impact and outcome.
Present VS Proposed!
An unease that hit me around this time was due to the heavy bag I was carrying on my back. It stemmed from the disparity between my present version of life and the version I had envisioned it to be. Like most of us, I assumed that by 40, I will feel quite put together and will have it clearly figured out. But lo and behold, my life looked like the antithesis of it. I was confused and cluttered, there were delays and detours, change in intentions and inclinations and finally, becoming someone I didn’t expect to meet.
I outgrew the proposed and adopted the present. And the moment you do that you see that the present palpable version is beautiful too. Along the way, she has gathered strength, gained sagacity and grown into a version that is open to infinite possibilities. It’s almost like no longer asking for A, B or C but telling the universe that you are ready to use the alphabets!
Purpose…A Trajectory or a Mission?
Like happiness and unlike what we have been tutored to believe, purpose is not a point where you reach but a path that you consciously traverse. It has nothing to do with the career that we crave for, the things we yearn to manifest or the apocryphal life that we imagine awaits us. Slowly, I’m being convinced to accept that purpose is to live fully and attempt to touch the ‘here’ and ‘now’ of every moment with my pure presence. To do all that I can to help myself and others, to hold myself warmly when I am hurting and to make sense of a world that somehow seems to have gone berserk.
Healing is Aesthetic
While I can go on writing about my steady relationship with unlearning, the one I would not leave without mentioning is how we hold and handle healing. It is neither graceful nor easy but mostly messy and mind-boggling. It is not a straight line but a spiral movement that is layered and extremely exhausting.
But then healing is honest and it is Yours to harness. That is how I have experienced healing through unlearning and relearning only to stand face-to-face with an evolving unpredictable version of myself and witness the unfolding of the main story…My Story.
By Promita Banerjee Nag
An avid word enthusiast and content-churner, Promita is fuelled by novel writings, ideas and light-hearted banter. A teacher by passion, she treads the path of unequivocal learning with and through her students. Mother, music and ‘mishti’ mostly convince her. If you wish for a tête-à-tête, feel free to reach out to her at promita033@gmail.com.
