Perhaps it was last week that, while scrolling through my Instagram feed, I came across a reel. There, I heard of a term, which I may have encountered earlier but had never considered potent enough to pause and ponder over. It is called the ‘Married Single Woman’ Phenomenon.
In the reel, Dr Gayatri Reddy talks of a recent workshop by NIMHANS where she got to know about this eye-opening phenomenon, called the ‘Married Single Woman’ phenomenon. In such an arrangement, the entire burden of the marriage, which includes anything and everything that is needed for its day-to-day running, is for the woman to bear.
Roles and Responsibilities: The Spectrum of the Married Single Woman
Be it the operations of the kitchen and the dining table, the groceries to the hot meals, or the labour of the laundry from soiled clothes to ironed ones, and the replacement of the old with the new, every nitty-gritty is for the wife to deal with.
The health and heart of the ageing parents of both partners is the utmost responsibility of the woman, and she might even be expected to wear a cape to excel in her caregiving commitments.
It is not only ‘her in-laws’ but also ‘her house’, at least as far as its wear and tear is concerned. So, she needs to look into the repairs and renovations of the space she inhabits from time to time and make sure that everything from the couch to the coaster looks bright and beautiful.
The tasks in the to-do list of the ‘Married Single Woman’ undergo a striking proliferation when she becomes a mother.
She single-handedly raises the child or children, and the nutrition, clothes, work, play, and every little or large aspect that defines their lives is now for the mother to manage and master. Be it a doctor’s appointment or a Parent-Teacher meeting at school, it is the mother who needs to attend and act on its consequences. Routine and regularity, academics and extracurriculars, values and visions, and even whims and wishes of the children are for the mother to engender or effectuate.
And yes, of course, she is absolutely accountable for anything that goes amiss or anyone who goes astray.
But after doing all of this and much more, my question is, “Isn’t She living the life of a Single Woman” even though a document deafeningly declares her marital status as ‘Married’?
O Married Man, Where Art Thou?
Now, coming to the (Happily) Married Man or the husband, who merely provides money and thinks he’s done it all. He is there but as an absent figure in the lives of his parents, spouse, as well as children. The house also considers him to be a guest who enjoys his stay as long as he is around.
In fact, he chooses to escape from the humdrum of daily life by projecting himself as one preoccupied with the more pressing needs of sustenance. He may have ample time after work, but he has no intention of sharing the load with his spouse, helping his daughter with schoolwork, or staying up all night to attend to his mother’s deteriorating cough.
Besides, he needs time to relax and rejuvenate, or to pursue his own interests, while his weekends are often spent attending parties to boost social contacts and connections.
The Married Man’s excuse
He has grown up seeing his father do the same. While this imbalance is the fulcrum on which most Indian families function, it is worth reckoning that times have changed and so have the dynamics of individual families and society at large. Long before this term came into existence, which is almost two decades back, women have been working and being financially solvent alongside doing all that a married life entails.
Part-time or full-time, career or cause, work-from-home or in the office, the married single woman has deftly performed the duties of a marriage but experienced the emptiness of being single. Her husband is almost always emotionally unavailable, and while communication has crumbled down, all forms of intimacy have been lost and forgotten.
Honestly, the condition is worse than singlehood since it demands the execution of a disproportionate chunk of domestic load and prioritising others over oneself. Each time and every time.
The Aftermath of an Unequal Partnership
Any form of inequality has conspicuous as well as subtle impacts.
In this kind of marital alignment, the woman initially feels disillusioned and fatigued. Gradually, it leads to pent-up anger, frustration, and bitterness, which then leads to depression, a clinical condition that often remains unidentified and unacknowledged.
And when the body and mind can bear it no longer, it manifests in the form of various diseases like PCOS, PCOD, thyroid, coronary ailments, and even cancer. By this time, the Married Single Woman is an emotional wreck and finds herself unable to think clearly, let alone cope with her current circumstances. The only probe that pulsates through her painful existence is,
“What was the use of this marriage? Where did I lose myself in it?”
Change the Narrative
October 10th was World Mental Health Day and like every year, this year too, intriguing issues were discussed and strategies implemented worldwide to appreciate the importance of mental health and offer care in disaster and under duress.
With that in mind, whether you are a ‘married single woman’ or not, come and join the conversation that can heal lives and encourage emancipation. Let us talk about therapy, self-care and other viable means that can help women, not in disguising the damage, but in repairing and restoring themselves.
By applying the ‘Kintsugi’ philosophy to their shattered identities, they are bound to emerge bolder and more beautiful than their prior versions. But the first step towards the change is to foster equality in marriages and mindsets, and to understand that neither are roles specific to genders nor is marriage a woman’s singular responsibility to undertake.
By Promita Banerjee Nag
An avid word enthusiast and content-churner, Promita is fuelled by novel writings, ideas and light-hearted banter. A teacher by passion, she treads the path of unequivocal learning with and through her students. Mother, music and ‘mishti’ mostly convince her. If you wish for a tête-à-tête, feel free to reach out to her at promita033@gmail.com.
Facebook Comments