Can We Absolve Ourselves For Choosing The Wrong Person?

Life is a series of choices, and one of our most consequential decisions is who we choose to share it with. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a friend, or even a business associate, relationships shape our paths in profound ways. But what happens when that choice turns out to be wrong? We slump. Life becomes meaningless, like despair and dejection wrapping us with its cruel claws. 

But, can we forgive ourselves for choosing the wrong person? Can we tell ourselves that it’s okay to be a wrong judge of people?

The answer lies not in self-blame but in self-compassion and growth.

The Weight of Expectations

When we enter relationships, we do so with hope and optimism. We often invest emotionally, mentally, and sometimes financially, believing we’ve found someone who aligns with our values and dreams. Someone who seems to be our forever, in some sense. But, people are complex, and relationships are dynamic. Over time, mismatched expectations, unforeseen behaviors, or life circumstances can reveal that the person we chose isn’t right for us. When this realization dawns, it’s natural to feel regret or even shame for not seeing the “red flags” earlier. 

And what we do effortlessly is – question ourselves. 

The Myth of Perfect Choices

Let’s get one bit very clear – no one intentionally chooses the “wrong” person. We make decisions based on the information, emotions, and experiences we have at the time. Perhaps that person met a need we had or represented something we thought we wanted. As humans, it is our innate urge to be seen, valued, and understood. So, when we receive what we seek, everything feels perfect. However, when over time the other side unfolds, we crumble, not only with a sense of betrayal but also the weight of the thought – how could I choose the wrong person?  

It’s essential to understand that choosing the wrong person doesn’t make us flawed; it makes us human. Life is about trial, error, and learning—and relationships are no exception.

The Role of Self-Compassion

Absolving ourselves begins with self-compassion. Instead of replaying the “what ifs” and “if onlys,” we must acknowledge that every choice—even the wrong ones—teaches us something valuable. It is the quintessential truth of life that we learn from our falls more than we do from our rises. Perhaps the experience of a faltered relationship highlights what we truly need in a partner or helps us recognize our patterns and blind spots. We positively begin self introspection and are not marred by self-doubt. By shifting the narrative from failure to growth, we pave the way for healing.

Owning the Lessons

Understanding the simple fact that forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean ignoring accountability, is imperative. It means owning our role in the relationship and the decision-making process without drowning in guilt. Reflect on the reasons behind your choice. Were you prioritizing the wrong qualities? Ignoring your intuition? Or over-prioritizing yourself and ignoring the other person? The reasons can be many and varied. By understanding these factors, you equip yourself with the tools to make better decisions in the future.

Letting Go of Judgment

Sadly, we live in a society that often judges people harshly for failed relationships, as if ending something wrong is a greater failure than staying in it. This external pressure can make self-absolution even harder. But remember, walking away from the wrong person is an act of courage and self-respect. It’s a sign that you value your happiness and well-being over societal expectations or fear of loneliness. You treat yourself with dignity and hold yourself in some order, which is more significant than anything else. 

Moving Forward

Lastly, choosing the wrong person doesn’t define you; how you respond to that choice does. Embrace the lessons, forgive yourself, and move forward with clarity and confidence. Trust that each step, no matter how misaligned it may seem, brings you closer to the relationships you truly deserve. In the process, it also brings you closer to yourself. You may end up unraveling some secrets about yourself that you had not known before. 

In the end, absolving yourself isn’t just about letting go of guilt. It’s about recognizing your capacity for growth and resilience. The wrong choices may sting, but they also shape the person you’re becoming. 

In pursuit of a better life. 

In pursuit of better choices. 

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