A Mother’s Day Reflection: Absence and Presence

To everyone reading my anecdote, I wish you a lovely Mother’s Day. A Mother’s Day without a mother is like a painting without colours. Maa always said, “Jokhon nije maa hobe,tokhon maa er mormo bujhbe,” which meant you’ll feel who a mother is when you become one.

Being a frisky bubble, I was always up to something mischievous and never understood what exactly Maa meant by those words until I became a mother and lost my own with a lifetime of hollowness in my heart. 

The happiness of motherhood is ineffable. Both parents play an essential role in the life of a baby,yet the role of a mother is incredible. A mother is always under pressure to become a perfectionist because she is a mother. Although she nurtures and secures her baby inside the love-filled cocoon, she’s the one who knows what’s best for her baby, but a mother is constantly judged. She is the lady who faces constant emotional turmoil between her career and the tiny tot. A mother is the one who prioritises her child over her passion, her career, her health, and her life goals. 

There are no sacrifices; it’s all about love and priorities. Here, I’m penning down two unmailed letters—one to my toddler and the other to my Maa.

A letter to my child – The Unshared Feelings

If I could shelter you inside a bubble lifelong, sweetheart; I would.

If I could secure each second of your life with cheeriness; I would.

With endless wakings,heavy-eyed;

Yet, I pull you closer: I hold you tight;

So close to me, to make you feel cosy 

And to watch you fall asleep in my arms again, I smile with content.

With a messy bun rolled high up, 

Sticky face waiting for its turn to get a good splash all over.

Untrimmed nails, undone brows, dry lips, thirsty throat; hungry belly, bloated tummy holding pee, from within I tend to roar

Ssssh!!! Stay noiseless, for my bub to sleep a little more.

There lies a crocheted mat on the table, 

And a couple of paintings hung on the wall,

An embroidered dress peeping out of  the piled-up laundry,

My Ghoongroos awaiting its turn;

A quilled cat about to say meow,

Oh! A pen and blank paper, with thousands of unsaid emotions in my heart

I can see my passions burn;

My passions, my dreams

I nurtured once with utmost care

”Woah, Woah” Don’t cry honey, Mumma’s there. Mumma is there.

A tribute to my mother on the occasion of Mother’s Day – The Undelivered Letter

I fear no more now,

No more I’m scared of losing ye

No clutches can tie your thoughts:

No more grief can touch ye;

Cold can’t freeze your soul

And flames can no longer burn your way.

I fight every second and minute,hours after hours

While my heart screams the melancholy cry each day;

‘The number is switched off’or ‘not reachable’ panicked me the most,

These words can no longer be my worst, I can proudly boast.

I know ye can’t be dead twice 

I sigh,I sigh!!! Oh Mom, You are free of all the earthly ties.

You’re free of all the earthly ties.

Shedding leaves, lonely Fall, approaching autumn.

Dry air, tired eyes, cracked lips.

Cold arms, inadequate love, numb feelings.

In search of your touch,

In search of your care,

In care of your voice,

Absent hugs, lingered pampering, neverending wait.

This is how I feel.

For I am ‘not able to close the treasure of your thoughts,

But, I’ll have to.

I need to stand up straight, against the wild tornado,

I need to keep marching forward against the turbulent winds.

With corpse of feelings in my heart or spark in my face, the choice will be mine.

I choose to go on!

I choose to go undefeated!!

Madhumita Dutta Choudhury