WE

“If you go away before me, my life ahead will be tough. I wonder how I will manage.”

My father spoke these words to my mom a few days back. Nice no? My mom told me this over a call in a somewhat sentimental tone and measured words. And further added, it was strange yet nice to hear this from your dad. I can feel him. 

In very many ways, our lives revolve around our parents, at least in the first twenty-odd years of our lives. We see them as a husband and a wife, then as parents, sons and daughters to their parents and good friends. 

Are women perceived as lesser individuals?

I grew up in a space where women were perceived as less ‘individuals’ than men. My mom and aunts have been predominantly homemakers, well, housewives- to be old school. Settled in the confines of the home, they were much more into what was happening inside the four walls than outside. Not that they were unaware, they were perhaps calculatedly detached.

The Territorial Divide!

If I may say so, there was a territorial divide between men taking care of the outside home stuff and women inside. However, that also typically meant that women depended on men as they brought the money and were more in control of family matters. Even though everything was discussed, the decision was with my Baba.

While Maa was around for our daily mental and emotional needs, dad fed us and paid the bills. And that made it loud and clear who was at the helm. 

But there is a deeper fear…

Cut to today. 

My Baba is on the other side of life. Even though he is touching eighty, he is still going strong, but there is a visible fear of being left alone. The fear of being abandoned, or perhaps the possibility of not being looked after the way Maa did all these years, lurks around. There is a certain vulnerability, a sense of insecurity to say so. What if Maa goes away early, and he is left alone? The result of a lifelong dependence on the woman he married 47 years ago. 

My question here is straightforward – who depended on whom for all these years?

Perhaps both. 

And everyone needs to value and nurture this ‘BOTH’ – the fulcrum of any relationship. 

Women are dependent on men just because they are not earning and are nestled within the bounds of the home. Men are NOT dependent on women for anything just because they are making their bread and butter and also feeding the family – this is perhaps the biggest fallacy of a marriage or relationship.  

In any relationship, being dependent on each other and keeping your individuality is the biggest takeaway. No relation can sustain without interdependence. Our dependencies are gender-neutral. There is no man need or woman need. Today, my Baba has neither become weak, nor my mom become strong. They are still what they were years back, holding their respective grounds. It’s just that words are being spoken now. How I wish they were said and not assumed more often. As a man and women, our needs vary, and both individuals always need each other to make it happen. The only difference is- at times, the needs of one are screaming, while the other’s is quiet and subtle. And that needs to be acknowledged, upheld, valued and honoured. That’s why two individuals make one relationship work. No?

Let’s understand and see this vividly today. 

It’s WE. 

And this ‘WE’ is what we breathe till we last!

By Maitabi Banerjee
Co-Founder of Writer’s Collective
Author/Editor/Book Consultant. She can be reached at bmaitabi@gmail.com