Koby And I

How it all began….

It all started at Durga Puja in 2001. Puja in Canada is different than in Kolkata. It’s more like a very large barir (home) puja. There aren’t multiple pandals to hop around to, so most of the people attending are known since childhood. But every year there are a few people, new to the city and excited to connect and meet with fellow Bengalis. This new person, if they are lucky, already knows someone in the local community, (from childhood or through their neighbourhood, or work) and it is the latter’s responsibility to make introductions. So, by the end of the puja, the new person is no longer a stranger, but a part of the community.

That is how I met Koby. He was not a new member of our community, his older brother was! But he decided to join that year in the celebrations in Ottawa with his brother. He lived 2 hours away in Montreal.

I attended puja that year with one of my closest friends, and she recognized Koby from a wedding she had attended in Montreal that summer. Knowing very well that he didn’t know many people, she invited him to join our group. Puja ended and the natok (play) program was about to begin when the group decided to go to a local billiards hall. Since neither I nor my friend had a car, Koby offered to drive us there. That is when I experienced one of the first things that I appreciated about Koby – his amazing musical taste. As his car started, some hip-hop beats came on wonderfully mixed with Hemanta Mukhopadhyay’s voice. It was a CD he had burned himself with various Bengali remixes, mainly by artists from the UK. Until that point, I had only ever heard Hindi or Punjabi remixes, and I was amazed at what I was hearing.

Once at the billiards hall, the group started sharing their driver’s licenses with each other. We laughed at our awful photos. There was one guy who had the tendency to say something just for the sake of getting a reaction. The moment he had a look at my license, he commented how good I looked in my license photo. Well, he essentially implied that I don’t look good in real life. I just ignored him, turned around and started talking to Koby, who was also annoyed. He could not believe what he had heard and he told me that I should slap him, as he deserved it. He said it loud enough for the offensive guy to hear. I informed him that someone like that wasn’t worth my energy. It stood out to me although Koby had just met me, he was already defending me, and that he had very strong principles. I had never had anyone ever really stand up for me like that. Eventually, the night ended and he dropped us off at home.

Durga Puja again….

I didn’t think much of him after that and got busy with life, university and friends. A year later at Durga Puja, I met Koby again. By then, he had moved to Ottawa a few months before. This time I was accompanied by my friends. One of them had been born in Montreal and had grown up with Koby since childhood. She was happy to see him and excitedly introduced us. But I informed her that we had met the year before. I also introduced Koby to one of my oldest childhood friends. The group of us hung out that entire puja weekend, and after that every weekend the four of us would be together. Eventually, it would be the two of us who hung out more often.

Commonalities….

Koby and I had so much in common. Our eclectic taste in music, from Indian classical, hip hop, and alternative to classic rock and heavy metal. Our experiences of living in the US for a period of time during our high school years. Our immature sense of humour. Our love of animals and children. Our love of movies. We were both laid back and calm. Our time together was just always full of laughter. He was kind and thoughtful, to everyone. His extrovert personality made the introvert in me come out of my shell more. He was so quick-witted. I sometimes felt like he knew what I was going to say before I knew myself. He seemed to know everyone, even though he was new to the city, and he knew all the good places to eat, though he often complained that the food just could not compare to Montreal. We were opposites in many ways, but the exact same in our attitude about life, how people should treat each other and what things bring joy.

But the Disparities…

Friends noticed how quickly our bond formed and they started hinting that maybe there was more to this relationship. I did not see it at first. My first thought was that given the kind of confidence he had, Koby would have no issues telling me if he was interested in more. Also, there was a height difference. I’m unusually tall for a Bengali woman, 5’11”, essentially a giant in our community. Koby was tall for a Bengali man at 5’7”, but still 4 inches shorter than me. This wasn’t an issue for me really, but I knew for a lot of men it could be. Also, I just hadn’t really considered ever being in a relationship before, I truly thought I would never get married. My parents had a really difficult marriage and I did not want to live a life like that. 

As the months went by, our bond grew stronger and I started considering it. There were moments when we would watch a movie together and I just felt so comfortable with him. I was tempted to lean in and cuddle with him, but I always stopped myself. I was so scared of ruining a great friendship, especially because I was sure that he would not have the same feelings for me. Everyone else in the meantime just kept saying that they were sure that we would end up together.

Hints….

One day while at a restaurant he started a conversation with the unusual opener, ‘So I’ve been thinking about something…’, then he paused and then proceeded to discuss an issue happening at work. Something about that moment though made me think he was going to tell me he liked me, but then when he started talking about work, I thought to myself how silly I was and that I was projecting my feelings into an innocent conversation. Eventually, my 22nd birthday came around three months later, and my friends threw a surprise birthday party. Koby had been working out of town that day, but he still made the long drive to be there. The following day was Valentine’s day and he came to my workplace to give me purple tulips. Purple is my favourite colour and he called them friendship flowers.  I accidentally left the flowers in the car. They froze in the February cold and withered. Later Koby teased me for not taking good care of the flowers he had gifted me.  

Finally…

By then, there had been awkward pauses in our conversation when I was sure he was about to say something. But I thought he changed the topic. Maybe, I was reading too much into things. Three days later on the 17^th, he asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner. We had a lovely dinner, but he seemed a bit nervous. As he drove up to my house to drop me off, he parked the car and said those words again ‘So I’ve been thinking about something…’. I assumed that he wanted to talk about an office issue again, but was absolutely shocked when he said ‘I think I would like our relationship to be more than a friendship. I couldn’t believe it. I admitted shyly that I felt the same. Well, he said that he had been trying to tell me for months, but kept chickening out. We talked a bit in the car, but both became so shy, that we quickly ended the conversation. When he got home, we started chatting on MSN chat and slowly we revealed to each other our thoughts. The ‘So I have been thinking… the flowers on Valentine’s Day…were all meant to be a moment for his disclosure. The moments I had felt cuddling…well, he had felt it too. I laugh now thinking of how many months we both felt the same way, but didn’t dare to say anything to each other. From that day, nothing really changed between us. We were just best friends, who could now show real affection towards each other. We started talking about our future home and what that would be like. It was easy and natural. We knew that this was for forever. There was no doubt.

Everyone was so happy for us, and it just confirmed that we were so obviously meant for each other. Little did we know what was to come.

A Tough Phase

On July 1st, we were getting ready to go to the beach for Canada day when I noticed that the whites of my eyes looked a bit yellow.  My roommate advised me to go to the hospital immediately. Instead of a lovely day at the beach, I spent a day at the Emergency Department with all of my friends. But Koby made us all laugh with his usual entertaining skills. After finally being checked up, the doctors sent me home saying it was likely the Hepatitis virus giving me slight jaundice.  Koby felt it best I go home with him so he could take care of me, as he had already taken time off that week for the summer. The next morning when I woke up, I was still exhausted and when I got up to go to the bathroom I fainted. Later that day, I got admitted. It was found that I had a rare autoimmune reaction to the Epstein-Barr Virus. It took two weeks for the doctors to figure out why my body was attacking my blood cells. There were moments where I questioned whether I would survive, and I’m sure Koby did too. 60 blood transfusions later, some chemo, lots of prednisone and a long stay at the hospital, I was finally sent home to continue to rest and recover.

The Transformation

That event completely changed my perspective on everything, and it bonded Koby and me forever. I had known from the early days of our friendship that Koby avoided anything to do with doctors or hospitals. It was a fear he had from childhood. When he showed up almost every day (my parents were limiting visits for my health), often with my favourite food as I couldn’t stand hospital food, I knew that he would always be there for me, no matter what. He was someone I could depend on in times of fear, and sadness, and he could make me laugh during the worst time of my life. In those dark moments when I thought that I would never be leaving that hospital, my one solace was that I had at least experienced that type of love.

Recovery both physically and mentally was not easy. The medication caused mood swings, and my personality changed. I was constantly exhausted and frustrated. He constantly reassured me that things would get better and that it would take time. The laughter never stopped despite everything. Often when in tears, Koby would say something so absurd and witty that I would be crying and laughing at the same time. Slowly I returned to more of my normal self, but he accepted that I had changed in ways that could never be undone. We as a couple had changed as well. I had always been so independent it was difficult for me to allow him to help me, but I had to concede I needed the help. Surrounding all of these emotions was gratefulness that I had survived and that we had each other. We had a lesson many young couples don’t learn till they are older, that life is short and that our time with those we love must be cherished.

I was very determined to finish my degree before we got married, but the illness meant I had to do part-time studies instead as I couldn’t handle a full load. My life-changing illness made me realize that the major I had started was not what I wanted to do with my life.

Unwavering Wait

Koby patiently waited, understanding that education had to come first before we could move forward with our lives. In my last year of university, I moved back into my childhood home with my father, who had recently retired. Till then, I had lived with my roommate at walking distance from my university. But I chose to stay with my father, take the long commute and spend time more time with him. You see I never got to spend much time with him in my childhood days.  

Unfortunately, eleven days after moving in, my father had a major stroke. Again, we were back at the hospital. Again Koby had to support me as I took care of my father for three months until he passed away on Koby’s thirtieth birthday on September 22, 2005. I was devastated. Going through the funeral arrangements, and dealing with lawyers and banks, I felt broken. I was 24 then.  Postponing schooling again to take care of all the estate needs, I started wondering why Koby would want to be with me. I felt so different from the person he had met three years ago. But he remained steady, calm, kind and humorous. He made me feel so loved and safe. He didn’t let any doubt live in our lives, no matter how crazy life could get, the one thing he made sure I always knew is that he loved me, he always would, no matter what.

Love at First Sight? Nah!!

A few weeks after my father’s passage, it was the evening just before Durga puja started. We went to a restaurant to meet his close friend. I’ll never know if he ever had other plans or a speech in his head, but when we got out of the car after parking, there was the most beautiful sunset I saw. Truly breathtaking. At the parking lot, he asked me to marry him, saying he couldn’t think of a more beautiful place to ask me. Unknowingly to us, his friends had parked nearby and had witnessed the whole thing from their car. I was surprised. I was still deep in grief. But I knew there was nothing to say but “yes”! He was my person, and when I look back I probably knew that from the first day we met. We would laugh years later about how ours was not the fairy tale “love at first sight”. Rather it was “love at first conversation”.

We got married two years later. I had my convocation ceremony at the University in the morning and that afternoon we went to city hall with our families and got married in a civil ceremony. A month later we went to India. It was my first trip there. Our religious ceremony happened at my father’s family home in Chandannagar, which also happens to be the place where my mother hails from.

Koby introduced me to all the people, food and places he loved in India and I fell in love with the place as well. We moved into the childhood home that my father had left to me. We got a cat and a dog and filled our home with good food, amazing friends and laughter as often as possible. We spent twelve years, laughing with each, annoying each other, learning more about each other, arguing, apologizing, crying, cooking (mainly Koby, I was his sous chef), watching TV and movies, collecting vinyl records, spoiling our friends’ kids, travelling as much as possible, sharing every pain and happiness. He taught me how to create a community of the best people, how being vulnerable is a part of sharing your life with someone, how being negative serves no one, how to listen without judgement, and how laughter is the best medicine.

KOBY, the man I have known!

Then one morning, as we were preparing for our drive back, after another weekend of travelling and spending time with people we loved dearly in Upstate New York, Koby had a stroke. I won’t speak much about this as I like to remember the happier times. It still feels like just a few months ago, though it happened in May 2019. What I would like to say is that Koby was the kind of person who made such an impact on people that at one point in time, the ICU waiting room was filled with thirty people who had come from various locations to support us. We eventually got him back to Canada, where the community he built rallied around me and supported me during my most difficult time. He tried his hardest and made improvements after his brain surgery, and still expressed his sense of humour, even while intubated and not able to talk. On July 11, 2019, he declined very rapidly, and then he was gone.

To be honest, I still can’t fully accept it. My friends and I speak of him often, repeat the hilarious stories he used to tell us and reminisce about the pranks that he pulled, the statements he made, the gifts and the lessons he taught us all. I talk of him often even with those who have never met him. It’s my way of keeping him here, with me. His love was so big, that it just keeps growing, even without him physically here. This is why I chose to write this, to just keep sharing the love he had for every living being. He truly believed everyone in this world deserved to be loved, to feel love, to feel worthy of love. Being in his presence made you feel those things too.

One of my favourite quotes that his friend said about him is “you either loved Koby, or you hadn’t met him yet”.

https://youtu.be/xEAH3G9L_PY (Koby’s Memorial Birthday)

TANIMA MAJUMDAR