Sitting on my couch as a woman who has accomplished quite a bit in life, including debuting as an author recently, I wonder what made me seek approval and validation for nearly six decades of my life. And, it’s not just about debuting as an author, which I achieved after turning 60, because till that time, I was busy dodging curveballs life kept throwing at me. Let’s talk about the approval and validation.
I’ve always managed my life and never depended on others to make me happy or support me emotionally. Well, sharing expenses became a necessity at times because I have mostly worked at odd jobs, including waiting on tables, assisting photographers in a studio, call centers, and as a customer service representative in retail. But all these jobs I’ve mentioned have supported me and kept me employed for at least over five years at each job. And if a contract for one job ended, I would pick up production line jobs for those brief months. But I always found employment.
This is the financial independence I’m talking about, but fixing minor repairs, managing grocery shopping without requesting a ride from family because I don’t drive and mostly walking to the nearest grocery store. Of course, recently, like many in the aging population, I’ve switched over to online ordering.
I’m sure you are getting a gist of the kind of person I am. It’s not ego, but I think my requests can cause them inconveniences. Yes, I put a lot of thought into things like bothering others with requests and help, and that pushes me to become self-sufficient. I like that. In fact, I love it.
But somewhere deep down in my subconscious, there is this hidden need, a burning desire that is seeking validation, approval.
This need is dominant even after managing my day-to-day life and making major and minor decisions, including worrying about hitting zero balance at the ATM while handling credit planning and managing money situations.
One fine day, I asked myself why I have this intense need for validation and approval. I have an independent mind, which is good enough and supports my progress in life. I keep failing, but I pick myself up without depending on or seeking mental or emotional support externally.
Then why? And this question I had often asked myself. But not as strongly as it happened that day.
I was showing the first copy of my debut novel, sent by my publisher, to someone. Without even a courtesy congratulations, the person shredded the book right from the paper quality to the cover design. A design for which I had provided the rough sketch idea. It broke my heart into a million pieces.
That was not the only person. All the people I thought were my well-wishers and imagined would be happy for my success did not even ask how they could get a copy or even show an interest in reading my book!!!
The heartbreak did not teach me a lesson. But it was an eye-opener.
It helped me look deep into myself and create boundaries about how not to share happy moments or moments I feel proud about an achievement or two.
A. Because not everyone is happy for you.
B. Not everyone wants to hop onto the happy bandwagon you create.
C. They have their own insecurities and emotional imbalances that stop them from reacting positively, uplifting you, and feeling good about your achievements. Feeling happy for you.
It truly is not everybody’s cup of tea to open their hearts and let your happiness enter it.
Now I simply keep my joy in my heart, order a takeout, or walk to the mall and have my favourite ice cream.
– Ranga Iyer-Rajah
