The year 2022 is singular for many reasons. I am transmasculine and this year I turned eighteen, joined University, and finally came to the realization that attaining a certain age does not necessarily mean becoming a different person. It was also marked by the return of Dialogues, my city’s very own LGBTQIA+ film festival, after a break of two years, in the offline mode. It was the 16th edition of Dialogues, organized by Sappho for Equality, Pratyay Gender Trust and Goethe Institut, Maxmuller Bhavan. This is not the first time; I had been to Dialogues. In the past, I had never really watched any of the films, but the idea behind Dialogues and its significance was not unknown to me. But it was this time that I felt it with my heart.
Since the beginning of college life, I had been feeling that something was not quite right. I still do, but for the first few months, the feeling was more intense and painful. My hopes of becoming independent, the challenge of overcoming my fear of people, the pressures of gaining acceptance with regard to my gender identity, and the task of building an inclusive and robust social network seemed incomplete, fragmented experiences, sometimes hurtful and sometimes encouraging. But they could not form an integrated whole.
It was at that juncture that Dialogues made me feel that I belonged. One of my friends once told me that Dialogues was not just about films. Despite being a film festival, the word “festival” truly captures the essence of Dialogues. It is our own festival, where queer people like us come together, see our reflections in each other, celebrate and express the differences that unite us. Everything, from the films that are showcased to our dressing styles, is so vibrant, inspiring and daring that the four days of the festival feel as if we are inhabiting a different world.
I was not able to watch most of the films due to time constraints. Some films stood out to me. There are a few I want to write about. ‘The Three Sisters’, ‘Trans-Kashmir’ and ‘Beyond the Blues’. The reason why the first one is special to me is the boldness that characterized it. None of the three sisters explicitly fit into any of the ‘characters’ of the LGBTQIA+ acronym. Instead, they disrupted and went beyond any attempt at categorization. Their strong bond, the tremendous resistance and the restrained, time-tested reactions that they showed in the face of all problems and adversities made it clear that they didn’t fit into mainstream conceptions of womanhood. There was a brief mention of a special girlfriend of one of the sisters at the mental hospital they were residing in. She was mentioned when they were asked about the people they loved most in the world. The small scene had such depth that it established how important the relationship was, without making any implications as to its kind.
‘Trans-Kashmir’ talked about transfeminine individuals in Kashmir. It gave me a new perspective on Kashmir, the intersectional experiences of oppression cutting across religion, race and gender. The film offered a glimpse into the lives of those about whom we never hear in mainstream debates and discourses around Kashmir.
‘Beyond the Blues’ is very close to my heart as it is about my friend, the first person I have met who is like me. Along with his journey, it is also the story of my journey. There are many people in my life who are like me, but in Neel’s case, the similarity was striking enough to appeal to me. My first short story ‘The Caterpillar’s Story’ was used in it as a metaphor for Neel’s journey. I was also given the extraordinary opportunity to talk about my identity as a trans-masculine person in a panel discussion on the film.
After a long time, I felt validated about my identity and experience. I know that this need for validation is not right and that it needs to go. A lot of time has gone since I began my transition. Now I can finally express myself in both coherent and incoherent ways depending on what I choose and feel at any given moment. I believe that I will also overcome this pressing need for validation one day. Till then I just want to cry and smile and build myself bit by bit with every passing day. The famous lines of Robert Frost come to mind-:
The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.
SHYAM is a First Year student of Political Science at Presidency University.
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