The meaning of birthdays
“A birthday is the celebration of the day you were born into the world, the first step you took on the journey of life.” — Author Unknown
Traditionally, a birthday marks the moment a child leaves the warmth of their mother’s womb, enters the world, the umbilical cord is severed, and they begin their own life. It is the start of a journey—exploring the world through experience, giving life meaning through purposeful deeds, and eventually passing away in the cradle of death. Across cultures, birthdays are considered auspicious and important, marked by community celebration with pomp. The traditions may differ, but it remains a universal occasion of joy and festivity.
Birthdays reimagined as rebirth
However, there is another, broader meaning of a birthday—one of rebirth and rejuvenation.
“It is through the trials and suffering that we are most truly reborn, not into a life without pain, but into one that is deeper and more aware. Crisis breaks us open, but it also makes space for us to grow in ways we never imagined.” — Harold Kushner
Rebirth occurs when light enters the wounds carved into our hearts, healing and rejuvenating us after emotional, physical, or mental trauma. Often, the darkest moments in life become blessings in disguise, guiding us toward a path of strength and purpose. As I delve into my journey through bipolar anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and acute depression, I will reflect on this deeper meaning—of being born not once, but twice.
My Battle Begins: The Background
My broken marriage was the first and biggest trigger for bipolar anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, acute depression, and suicidal thoughts. It lasted only three abusive months before I walked out. Suicidal ideation continued daily for nearly eight years, even two years into therapy. I lost 10 kg in two months, felt constantly dizzy, and abandoned my IAS coaching, returning home in September 2013.
Living with the Symptoms
The six years from 2013 to 2019 were the darkest period of my life. I cried inconsolably, babbled incoherently, and blamed everyone for my misfortune. I was either oblivious to my surroundings, staring into nothingness, or spewing venom. Smiling felt impossible. I isolated myself in my room, unwilling to meet anyone. I typed gibberish on WhatsApp because there was no one to hear me out. I sat with my head down, overwhelmed by guilt. Paranoia and panic attacks became frequent.
The panic attacks came with palpitations, breathlessness, sweating, shivering, a dry throat, and a sinking sensation—as if someone were choking me. No matter how hard others tried, I couldn’t hold a single positive thought. I had become nihilistic. The frequency and intensity of the panic attacks were overwhelming, and I felt trapped in a loop of despair I couldn’t escape.
The Turning Point: Meeting My Psychiatrist
Determined to help me, my mother consulted a psychiatrist in Chandigarh. After reviewing my history and conducting various psychometric and blood tests, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Anxiety Disorder, Type II. This condition is characterized by three phases—the low, the normal, and the hypo. During the low phase, which lasted 15-20 days, I would mostly sleep, eat, and manage baths in between. The normal phase largely eluded me, and I never reached the hypo state.
There is also Bipolar Type I, which involves the low phase, normal phase, and hyper or manic phase. While the first two phases resemble those of Type II, the hyper phase is marked by delusions, extreme activity, often violence, and typically requires hospitalization.
The Healing Journey
The toughest challenges my psychiatrist faced were my suicidal ideation and nihilism. I had lost the will to live and didn’t trust anyone, even my doctor. Gradually, I developed self-awareness and fully complied with treatment—medication, follow-ups, and counseling sessions to address stress and emotional struggles.
Reforged: A New Outlook on Life
Over the years, we resolved various issues, such as choosing not to remarry, not becoming a single mother through adoption or surrogacy, and not continuing a full-time teaching job. I was particularly confused about the last decision, as I loved teaching school kids. However, due to my social anxiety disorder, I struggled to connect with colleagues and was labeled a snob. Additionally, working daily was impossible because I needed time off during my low phases, though their duration was gradually decreasing. As a result, I decided to teach students online and pursue writing. In that moment, I was reborn. My birthday coincided with the day I resigned from my traditional job and embraced a flexible one that allowed me to manage my mental health.
The Role of Family
It goes without saying that without the support of my immediate family I would not have been to revive. My father understood my predicament and accepted my decision for divorce. My brother never resented the fact that I would stay with my maternal family forever. My mother had the unflinching mission of getting me treated even from a psychiatrist miles away through online sessions.
Where I Stand Now
At present, the teething process of a newborn baby is over – my panic attacks are few and far between, the low phase is restricted to 2-3 days a month, and I am able to follow a routine. According to my doctor, I have developed a fair amount of resilience. So, the phoenix has risen from its ashes and has celebrated innumerable birthdays in the process, far more than the conventional ones.
Looking Ahead
My definition of not just rebirth but also success has transmuted. For me, each morning is a new birthday. I am a homemaker, and my life revolves around my aging parents, who need me to escort them for hospital visits. I have picked up cooking, love my online students and blogging, and have aced the art of solo traveling. Life is as good as it looks, with many more birthdays to look forward to!
By Richa Verma
Richa is an online English teacher, independent blogger, voracious reader, movie buff who is smitten with wanderlust, and a homemaker. She can be contacted through her email address richavermamh@gmail.com
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