Unless you have been living under a rock, your timelines across your social media accounts must have been bombarded with posts of a famous Bollywood actor and his ‘unsaif’ encounter with a burglar. As I type this, the said hero has emerged from the hospital, looking as fresh as a kurta from a Sabyasachi boutique.
Don’t get me wrong, friends. I love Saif Ali Khan. He was brilliant in Omkara and Hum Tum. As a fan (and as a human being who wouldn’t wish hell for another homo sapien), I wish him a speedy recovery, and I pray that his family tides over this difficult time. It’s another matter altogether that this sounds like me (who sees peanuts in her savings account) blessing the Ambanis with more riches and gold.
Media Goes Berserk!
My sensitive heart bleeds for the poor paparazzi. They were minding their own business, hounding Malaika as she trotted to the gym in her tights and sports bra. I envy them, as they are the first ones to bless us, mortal souls, with images of Jahnvi’s impeccable airport looks. And who can forget their obsession with Taimur? Every step the confused child took was analysed with such finesse that one could have coined the phrase – A small step for Taimur, a giant leap for Bollywood.
But nothing, I repeat, nothing could have prepared the paps for this shocker. It had all the makings of a Netflix show. Come on! If Meghan Markle can teach us cooking and gardening, why can’t the Khans and the Kapoors show us a trick or two about ‘saifty’ measures? Move over, Seema Aunty! You have found your ‘match’ in Kareena.
The news trickled in. Saif had been admitted to Lilavati Hospital with multiple stab wounds. Thankfully, the actor was stable after undergoing surgery. If only the media left him and his family with the privacy that any normal human craves for in such times!
The Conspiracy Theories
The paps must have been shocked. Who will now scream Nora … Nora as she poses like a teapot in front of a building that looks like Monisha Sarabhai’s maika than a posh saloon? Newspaper headlines looked vacant. Alia steps out of her house! Deepika spotted at her residence! The UPSC aspirants waited for their daily dose of valuable knowledge that would propel them into the league of the Manoj Sharmas and the Tina Dabis.
However, there was light at the end of the tunnel. The journalists channelled their inner Hercule Poirot and began an investigation, giving Agatha Christie a run for her Marples. If crime comes unannounced, can breaking news be far behind? And thus, all wannabe writers of crime got insights for their next bestseller. I can already see Freida McFadden’s next thriller titled The Housemaid 25.0.
Taimur is the next Superman
My eyes scanned the website. I let out a gasp.
Taimur took Saif to the hospital. I always knew the boy was special. But taking a stabbed father in an autorickshaw to the hospital requires special powers. Even for someone who is yet to celebrate this 10th birthday. Mentally, I saluted the child. So lost was I in the adulation that I didn’t bother to wonder about the missing driving licenses of the adults present in the house. Or maybe their skills behind the wheel equaled mine (or the lack of it). It must be the latter, I consoled myself. My flings with the driving schools are notorious and deserve a novel. But I’m digressing.
Naughty Kareena caught red-handed
This theory took the cake.
Not to be outdone, the busy netizens donned the Sherlock Holmes hat and decided that the sleuth needed the help of the sanskari aunties. Pssst! It is the wife’s fault. Saddled with a man old enough to be her father, she must have brought in a man for a quickie. But a jealous husband is a jealous husband, Bollywood or Hollywood. A hurt Saif confronted the man. In the ensuing tussle to collect discarded clothes and lingerie from the floor, the scared-to-death ek raat ka mehman stabbed the enraged husband.
All this must have happened while the red-faced, guilty-as-charged wifey Poo covered her ears with her palms and whined a la Kirron Kher. Nahiiiiiiii! Poor papa ki pari bigad gayi!
Kattappa and Baahubali are passé
Move over, the Macho Men of Mahishmati! We know why one stabbed the other. Now the questions on everybody’s lips are – who stabbed Saif? Why? Is this an international conspiracy by Hero Alom? Does Ramu kaka play a role here?
Meanwhile, the poor-as-a-churchmouse moi is worried. If a celebrity living in a quadruplex can get attacked, what chance do I have? Is the humble app from my housing society enough? Where will I get an auto rickshaw in the middle of the night? But then, Mr. Hubby consoles me. “You’re not that famous. Relax!” OUCH!
Reality Checks
Smarting from the truth bomb, I get back to work. However, I see a ray of positivity amidst all this. My failed attempts at bagging the driving license do not bother me anymore. If an actor worth crores is ditched by his swanky Audis and BMWs, then I have absolutely no qualms in hauling myself into Jha ji’s auto and looking up the cashless insurance details on my phone.
Let me bask in my middle-classiyat!
By Narayani V Manapadam
“Narayani is an IT Professional lost in the dreary world of Excel. When time permits, she loves to get lost in the maze of Word(s). But nothing makes her happier than being a cat momma to her beloved Uttam.”
She can be contacted at fraunara@gmail.com.
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